When me and my girl
Go out for dinner
We measure food in quantity
And I’m always the winner
I’m eating half her salad
I’m drinking all her water
She says, Let's split a pizza
But I know I’ll have three quarters

She's a slow eater

When me and my girl
Go out for desert
I’m always loosening my belt
I’m always untucking my shirt
I finish all my yogurt
My belly's a big balloon
I throw away my cup
But I hold on to my spoon

'Cause she's a slow eater

It's almost four a.m.
We've long since hit the sack
My baby wakes me up
She wants a midnight snack
Her stomach is growling
She's glaring at me
The refrigerator's empty
We just stocked it up this week

She's a slow eater

My baby says to me
It's not good for your health
To finish all your food
And then eat everybody else’s
She says I’m gonna choke
She says that would be rude
She says I should relax
And stop inhaling all my food

She's just a slow eater

My girl says to me
I've had my eye on you
I don't know how you do it
For example you consumed
A hundred carob covered peanuts
In the airport late last nite
And then you took my oatmeal cookie
And you ate it in one bite

You're as hungry as a dog
But you're as skinny as a rail
You eat a loaf of raisin bread
That's on the verge of going stale
You eat a plate of chocolate chips
Before they're in the batter
You can scarf a double waffle
In a minute flat

The sandwiches from Mobile
Shoulda lasted us 'till Lubbock
By the time we got to Baton Rouge
They were in your stomach
With that bag of baked tortilla chips
From Mike and Myshkin's house
You deserve the cuts
On the roof of your mouth

We woke up in Tyler
Had a continental breakfast
By the time I had my OJ
You were halfway across Texas
You bought a bag of Tootsie Pops
In Dallas for a dollar
But you finished them in Ft. Worth
Is it worth it to follow
A fairly healthy meal
With a junk food spree?
I guess it is for you
But it wouldn't be for me
Your metabolism's weird
You don't put on an inch
You don't put on a pound
And you're always on a binge
Are you ever satisfied?
Will you ever get your fill?
How can you enjoy a muffin
Taken as a pill?

Are your taste buds on your tongue?
Take note
Linda Lovelace also liked to
Shove things down her throat
My girl says gluttony's a sin
And so I fall down on the floor
I say, Baby I’ll repent
I’ll fast next Yom Kippur

I’ll be a slow eater

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(by Randy Kaplan & Brian Schey)

I wish I was at Marianne's
These thoughts in my head
Could be drinks in my hand
Windows filled with falling snow
We're months away from the undertow

I want to walk where I used to run
I want to soak in the winter sun
I want to wear away her will
Leaning on my windowsill

Heart in here
Heart in there
Heart everywhere

When I play the altered waltz
She takes it with a grain of salt
I think she'd vanish if I blinked
She's drawn with disappearing ink

She can sleep with the TV loud
She can wade through any crowd
We're not dressed up
But we have a place to go
We'll get ice cream in Barstow

Heart in here
Heart in there
Heart everywhere

When she whispered in my ear
I might have seen that I would hear
Every word ever spoken by
Everyone who's ever broken my

Heart in here
Heart in there
Heart everywhere

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G-d got His teeth cleaned
G-d got His hair cut
G-d got a '56 Thunderbird
He took a shower
And He watered His flowers
And He pet His cat till it purred
He took a drink from the bar
And on the way to the car
He chewed gum as He sang
The world is comin'
Then He started hummin’
Tonight’s gonna be the big bang
Tonight’s gonna be the big bang
Yeah, tonight’s gonna be the big bang

G-d got a ticket
On the way to the party
The cop was smitten down on sight
He was filled with power
It was the midnight hour
This was gonna be His night
He put the pedal to the metal
He was boiling like a kettle
He got to the bell and He rang
When they opened the door
G-d hit the dance floor
And started planning the big bang
Tonight’s gonna be the big bang
Yeah, tonight’s gonna be the big bang

He got a little bit buzzed
Like He always does
He took a woman on His knee
His beer He guzzled
Then They did the hustle
He said, Baby come with Me
He took her upstairs
And He pulled back His hair
He let everything else hang
The room got warm
And things were formed
It was over
The big bang
It was over
The big bang
It was over
It was done
The big bang

G-d came stumblin’
And almost tumblin’
Down the steps half dressed
He leaned himself
On the second shelf
And He sighed
That was the best
Then He thought He was dreamin’
When the woman came screamin’
From the room at the top of the stairs
All mouths were agape
When she yelled, I’ve been raped
And they kicked G-d out of there
Yeah, they kicked G-d out of there
They kicked G-d out of there

Now G-d sits alone
On His infinite throne
And He figures He's kind of tragic
He's got a razor and a rope
But let's just hope
That He doesn't get too nostalgic
‘Cause if He does
He'll want it like it was
Back when He was
Part of the gang
And He'll screw up time
And blow our minds
And undo the big bang
He’ll undo the big bang
He’ll undo the big bang

[BACK TO TOP]

I don’t know if it's true of every man
But it's true of me
I want to love every woman I see
Every one I see

I want to be committed to you
Just like you want to be committed to me
Well, not just like but almost like
It's in a different way
It's my own way
Dare I say it's a better way?
You see, you want me to be the only one
You kiss, undress, and reveal yourself to
But I need to kiss and undress and reveal myself
To other women, too
But I want you to be the only one
I ever take home to my parents' house
For the holidays for dinner
And I want you to be the only one
Who ever befriends and stays friends
With my sisters
You'll be the only one
I come home to at night
Sometimes really late
Sometimes even in the morning
But yours will be the only bed
I ever fall asleep in
For eight hours
In a row
In this city
While you're in this city, too

I don't know if it’s true of other men
But it's true of me
I want to love every woman I see
Every one I see

No one person can satisfy
All the needs of another
For instance, you feel the need
To talk on the phone every day
To your father
And every other day to your mother
And you got friends you go out with
From time to time to smoke and dance and drink
And G-d knows what else you do
But I know that all these people
Have things I don't have
They give you things I don't give
And they do things that I don't do
Now likewise you've got to realize
I got these same kind of people
People in my life, too
People that have things you don't have
And give me things you don't give
And do things that you just don't do
And you don’t hear me saying
Hey listen, get off the phone with your mother
This town ain't big enough for the both of us
It's her or me
One of us has got to go
Now likewise, you've got to realize
You can't say those things to me
Not if you want our love to grow

I don’t know if it's true of every man
Why does it have to be true of me
That I want every woman I see
Every one I see?

If just for a weekend
If just for a day
If just when they turn their heads away

I got so much love inside me
You can't hold it back by force
And this is no zero sum game
No, I’m pulling my love
From an infinite source
My love for them does not in any way
Take away from my love for you
So don't ask questions and don't be jealous
No, here's what I want you to do
Set me free, let me roam
But always be there when I come home

All this I was going to say to you the other night
When, as if you read my mind
You looked up and you said to me
Shhh, honey, I can be anyone you want me to be
Well, I looked down at you
And I scrolled through all these faces
And bodies in my mind
And then I surprised even myself
I said, Shhh, honey
I don't want you to be anybody else
You see, what I think you did
With your words
Is I think you killed
Or at least you wounded the taboo
Now, everyone I see
I’m starting to see in you
I think I can change
I’m starting to see freedom
In your chains
Freedom in your chains
Freedom in your chains

[BACK TO TOP]

(Traditional)

[BACK TO TOP]

Joe is a man with job dedication
He's never taken a family vacation
He rises at dawn
Mows the front lawn
And goes off to school to teach sex education

Joe's never taken his wives to the beach
He's got a couple of them, nine children by each
He rises at dawn
And before he can yawn
He acts on the axiom practice what you preach

Joe's the volleyball coach for JV women,
He's the varsity coach for divin' and swimmin'
He's had student affairs
But with such savoir faire
That they're almost impossible to apprehend him in

Joe thinks his own eighteen children absurd
And their voices like chirps from a predator bird
One day Joe was seen
With a swimmer named Christine
The child who saw them was Joe's second's third

Joe's twelfth child ran straight-away home
And told his mom what he'd seen in the dome
But with womanly fire
She said, You're a liar
Then she beat her third child with a brush and a comb

Joe kept Christine after side-stroke practice
His beard felt to her like a Death Valley cactus
She cried late at night
For her swimming team's plight
Coach Joe, why have you so abused and attacked us?

Christine gave up all of her swimmin' glory
And she told the vice-principal all of her story
How she was seduced in the natatorium
Like in a letter to Forum,
But the VP just whispered, Christine, I’m sorry

She was beat with a comb and then with a brush
And sent to the principal who said, Christine, hush
Your imagination runs wild
For such a small child
To invent a story so false yet so lush

You see, Joe was a man quite smart and quite handsome
Who managed young women and managed to land some
Normal he seemed
‘Till he took the whole team
And held them all hostage then held them for ransom

Joe said, I best get my ransom reward
And I know it's not more than you folks can afford
But the SWAT team came in
And aimed their rifles at him
As he climbed with Christine to the high diving board

Joe fired twice with Christine as his shield
But the guys with the guns were the best in their field
They answered with bullets
One hit his skull it
Seemed like a dream. Coach Joe had been killed

He fell through the air in the dome of the school
The slow motion swan dive of a fool
He hit with a splash
With no ransom cash
And he sunk to the bottom of the swimming pool

Coach Joe

[BACK TO TOP]

Jane took me to the rainbow room
She made a reservation six months in advance
She wore a dress and a pair of high heeled shoes
I wore a pair of my dressiest pants

We sat down at the table for two
The waiter arrived and Jane ordered first
Then he said, Sir what would you like?
I said, A cold beer could sure quench my thirst

But I’m not hungry
I’m not hungry now
No, I’m not hungry now

My sweet mama once said to me
It's time to start applying to school
Well, I slacked off but she picked up the slack
She said, No son of mine is gonna end up a fool

So I was shipped off to the great Midwest
Where I was enrolled in a very fine college
But I stayed in bed through the long winter months
Because for wisdom and for knowledge

I was not hungry
I was not hungry
And I’m not hungry now

I had a burst of motivation and I tried to succeed
But I failed and I failed and I failed more
And if at third you don't succeed
You start to see your tragic flaw

And so I studied religion and philosophy
And I let the five thieves steel me away
And once in a while I can reach that place
Where for power, fame, and money I can honestly say

I’m not hungry
I’m not hungry
No, I’m not hungry now

After I died, just before I was reborn
G-d gave me a choice or two
He said, You could pick a life into which you can sink your teeth
I said, I don't want to bite off more than I can chew

In fact, I said, I’m totally full
I said, Don't send me back there one more time
I’d just as soon stay here with you
I guess He didn't want to hear that line

I’m not hungry
I’m not hungry
No, I’m not hungry now

[BACK TO TOP]

It sends you all my love
It kicks and curses, too
Explanations, realizations
All for you
There's a hundred put-downs
And a thousand compliments
In the ten-page letter I never sent

It tells you why I sunk
So far down below
It remembers all the details
That you don't know
Like who I didn't do what to
And what I did regret
It's in the ten-page letter I never sent

You said I let you down
So I should let you be
You don't want to hear another line
So time's moving on, not me
The reason I can't let you go
Is the main content
Of the ten-page letter I never sent

I wanted to ask
For another try
I wanted to explain how I've changed
But I got scared it was a lie
I wish you were still here with me
Is mostly what I meant
In the ten-page letter I never sent

I told you what I missed about you
I told what I've come to be
I started out writing it to you
But it ended up being just for me

You want action not words
And I never moved much it's true
But I am moved when I read the words
I wrote to you
They make me sound like Superman
But here I am Clark Kent
With a ten-page letter I never sent

Once I was your prince
Now I am your ghost
To think of how I hurt you
That hurts me the most
Now you won't call me honey
But you're still my princess
In the ten-page letter that I never sent

One day when things change
And you are here with me again
You'll read the ten-page letter I never sent

[BACK TO TOP]

March first l996
You and me in Los Angeles
It's seventy and sunny
And everything makes sense
I feel like I’m coming down
Off the fence
New York is cold and small
And full and rough
Let's miss our flights, baby
And send for our stuff

March first 1996
New York City is breaking its
Annual snowfall record
And all those idiots
Are cursing and freezing
And walking around in it
We're on the beach watching dolphins
I feel like a king
Let's find a Spanish-looking apartment
And send for our things

Out here our heads are in the sand
But so are our toes
We don't need all those bulky winter clothes
And it may be shaky ground
Under smoggy skies
But I think I’ll stick around
And I hope you'll stick around
I need you to help me
Give it another try

March first 1996
Back East I’m just not as stable as this
You can blame it on lack of money
Or lack of sun
But right now I just can't
Be where I’m from
I tried to stay afloat in New York
But I almost sunk
Stay with me in L.A.
We’ll send for all our junk

They say this is the land of phoniness
Folly and fluff
I don't care what they say
Let’s send for our stuff
Out here our heads are in the sand
But so are our toes

[BACK TO TOP]

(by Randy Kaplan & Paula Shapiro & Brian Weintraub)

She won't get subscriptions
She goes down to the stand
She won't save up to fifty percent off the cover price

They're under coffee tables
From Boca to New York
In bathrooms and wicker baskets
In Marietta, Georgia
She must hate those address stickers
She can't be lured by offers
She buys them when she wants them
In the spur of the moment

Helaine Herman's magazines
Helaine Herman's magazines
There's more of them than you've ever seen
Helaine Herman's magazines

There's PEOPLEs and Uses
On the marriage of Charles and Di
There's highlights from the academy awards
From 1986

Kurt and Jerry died this week
Willis and Kimberly have gone awry
Tom Selleck and Erik Estrada
Are the sexiest men alive

There's catalogues from J. CREW
I've seen her flannel shirts
There's catalogues from VICTORIA'S SECRET
The proof is under her skirt

Helaine Herman's magazines
Helaine Herman's magazines
She's addicted, she's a fiend
Helaine Herman's magazines

There's GLAMOURs and SELFs
COSMOs and VANITY FAIRs
She knows about summer beauty fast fixes
For the steamy season

She covers every angle
I've seen her stack of ESQUIREs
She knows what you're thinking
She knows that you're a liar

She's smarter than Dear Abby
She knows more about relationships
Than anyone should ever know
More than her psychiatrists

From reading Helaine Herman's magazines
Helaine Herman's magazines
She could have saved a lot of green
Helaine Herman's magazines

There's REDBOOKs and VOGUEs
And ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLYs
After a workout she got from SHAPE
She turns the pages weakly

She knows the diets of celebrities
And the exercises they do
What's hot, what's not, what's in, what's out
What's old and what is new
She knows the best and worst dressers
Their horoscopes and signs
Their break ups and their make ups
And what makes up their minds

It's all in Helaine Herman's magazines
Helaine Herman's magazines
Her eyes have a glossy sheen
From reading Helaine Herman's magazines

[BACK TO TOP]

Lucy was anal Jessie was oral
They had different designs
Lucy liked to hide it in her shadows and ride it
Jessie liked to put it where the sun shines

Lucy was a long term love affair
Jessie was a short term fling
Lucy had a dark side and she had a backside
Jessie had a mouth and she would sing

Put it where the sun shines
Put it where the sun shines
Put it where the sun shines down
Put it where the sun shines
In between my lip lines
Try to make a smile from a frown

Lucy had a sit and spin mentality
But Jessie had a bottom lip
I took Lucy over my knee
But Jessie had those boyish hips

I always wished that Lucy could take a tip from Jessie
And learn to yearn for what I want to give
But it got a little messy when I told Lucy
That Jessie always let me read her lips

And they said, Put it where the sun shines
Put it where the sun shines
Put it where the sun shines down
Put it where the sun shines
In between my lip lines
Try to make a smile from a frown
Try to make a smile from a frown

[BACK TO TOP]

A hint of smoke was in the air inside
When I drank her racy and well built wine
The people to whom I have something to prove
May one day be gone
My second string might come in from the cold
I could be left with a picture of my Helena
A longing with no port
And a boiling I can't afford
And live tigers

Everything Bela did to her painter
Everything the whores did to their Hasids
She wanted to do to me
But I gave myself in squalor to a stranger instead
My new regret does not impress her
And my continuing shame will not win her
She saw my magic act with coins
And she laughed diagonally across the table
Now, after dark, there are no quarters in my pocket
But I am still accused of being rich
By women she hates to imagine
I built a stained glass ceiling above us
But it can't hold a candle to the stars

Today I am tormented
Like the sky over the cemetery gates
Who will make my grave?
Who can fold my fitted sheet?
She would have taken me under her broken wing
To rest on her soft shoulder
She would have turned to me
But I lost myself on a small day
In woods without a neck
The bridge iced before the road
And the December she wanted lost its balance

G-d resists the proud who can't resist themselves
Idolatry approached and milled around outside
Who is like her among the women who are worshipped?
If she buries me alive I’ll claw at my coffin lid
So now I lay dying under a blunt sun
I need the fire and the fan on the same day
Where I am now

My meal thought it would be eaten
But the bars closed upon me
Whoredom is vanity, I began to roar
But she still felt like a before picture
We went the distance in the distant past
When we were living in close quarters
But no decision was ever made
The countdowns of the past are also gone
There are live tigers on the side of the road
I pointed them out to her as we passed them
I was laughing but I was afraid

[BACK TO TOP]